*SIGH*

I am sitting on my couch, trying to avoid studying. Well, I'm actually trying to study, but I am currently very successful at staying distracted. I have been at school all day and I have to go babysit in about 10 minutes. And in the mean time I am blogging. Welcome to my life. :)
I am so burnt out from school. I don't know how I ever thought I could become a doctor or anything, because we all know that I can probably not make it through my last three semesters without amazing stress and impatience. AAAAAAAHH!!!!!!!!! That is how I feel right now. Tomorrow I have 3 finals that I need to get done and basically, I haven't studied for any of them. Part of me is wondering if it is worth it. The other part of me isn't even thinking about tests. Christmas is just over a week away and I am still taking tests. There is something wrong with that.
Normally I get super excited about Christmas and I can't wait to decorate and all that jazz, but currently only our Christmas tree is up, with minimal decorations and there is a nativity. All of the other decorations are in a box. I haven't had time to put them up, and now I really don't care. I will just have to take it all down in a week anyways. I feel like I have no Christmas Spirit and it is kind of heartbreaking. I am just hoping that the only reason for my blues is my homework/stress. I really do hate the fact that I don't feel Christmasy and hopefully I will be in a much better mood on Friday.
But for now, I have to go babysit, maybe later I will have a few minute melt down before my final push of effort for the semester. Wahoo.

You know you live in the bubble when...

So, I was going to the store today to buy a pregnancy test. No this isn't the first time I have purchased one, and no, I'm not pregnant. But, while I was in the store looking to said test, I couldn't help but notice that the shelf was pretty empty and there were only about 4 boxes of any brand left. This is not the first time it has happened to me. The last time I was forced to buy whatever was left. I just can't help but laugh over the lack of irony in this situation. I should completely expect the pregnancy tests to be gone every time I go in. In this town of around 30,000 there are about 2000 ish babies born every single year. And since there are only so many stores here, (like 4) of course they will always be close to out of tests. Hahahaha.....Sometimes my surroundings make me painfully aware of where I am living and how long I will be here. :)

2 years left in Rexburg.......can you feel the excitement.

So, I do love my life. However, lately I find myself very discontented and restless with life. It has nothing to do with Lyle. I love him so much. I am basically sick of Rexburg and school. I have been in school for much longer than I had planned on and the light at the end of the tunnel is really more of a speck. I have 3 semesters of classes left, however, somewhere I am going to have to fit in another internship (Why I have to do 2, I have no idea). And Lyle will be in school for another 4/5 semesters and we will basically be here for 2 more years. I just want to get my degree and get out. I am so ready to move on to the next chapter of my life. I have so many friends who have moved on (most are graduated, like I would be if I hadn't changed my major after 2 years) and many are married and having their first/second children. I WANT TO BE AT THAT STAGE OF MY LIFE ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! UGH! I guess God is teaching me a really long lesson in patience.

I am tired of having classes every morning at 7:45. I am tired of working every single day till about 8 at night. I am tired of only seeing Lyle for 2 hours, or less, every day (of course that isn't counting sleep, but sleep doesn't really count as quality time). I am tired of spending some days (usually Saturday) completely by myself until about 8 or 9 at night. I am tired of being too tired to do the dishes. And I am definitely tired of meeting other people's deadlines (basically homework). I basically have the worst case of senioritis known to mankind, and it wont go away for 2 more years.

I want to be a mom. You can judge me for saying that, I don't care what you think, really. I want to be a mom. I have so many friends who are experiencing their first children and I know the joy that they can bring. And in the mean time I'm in my ward nursery and other babysitting things where I spend time with other people's children. I love kids, and the one's I watch are special to me. But they aren't mine. I'm ready to be frustrated with getting up at night to feed my baby. I'm ready to be tired of changing diapers. I would much rather deal with the "hassels" of raising a child than the pains of school and work. I have decided that I really am not built for the work force side of life. I know I am capable of it and if my life's ambition was to become a CEO of a major company I could do it. But, it doesn't make me happy to go to work everyday. I would be much happier raising a family (yeah, I know raising a family is tough).

I was talking to a really nice lady the other day and we were talking about families. She asked the good ol' question "do you have any kids?" No. "How long have you been married?" 1 year. But instead of the normal "oh," we had a nice conversation about how she thinks she could have waited a little longer to start having kids and how she can understand why we are waiting a little bit. But she did ask me if it is hard on me to wait (finally! someone understands me!). Yes it is hard. I have to watch my friends experience things that I want to be experience. You might as well be dangling some amazing chocolate in front of my face and just out of reach (ok, that magnified by 1000). It will probably be my luck that my little sister will end up getting pregnant before me too, she's going to graduate first.

Anyways, I feel as though I am starting to get bitter, and I don't like to end posts on a completely negative feeling note. I guess it's time for me to try to look on the positive side. I have a great husband and right now, with all that is going on in our lives, we are ok. Sometimes the most you can ask for is to be "ok." I am doing pretty well in my classes, and one day I will be done with school. I just wish that day was sooner. Yeah, yeah, old adage: if you have to work/wait for it you will appreciate it more...........I am going to appreciate it more than anyone will be able to comprehend.

I love my life

So, basically I love my life. I have very little to complain about (even if I complain a lot) and I am very blessed. Tonight Lyle and I carved pumpkins. We get very competitive and tease each other a lot about winning. However, we are never cruel about it and I love the fun we have with it. I think Lyle did a great job on his pumpkin and I think I did a good job on mine. I will never tell him that I think his is better than mine though.... :) Unless I am saying, "I let you win." He won't tell me that mine is better either, and I know that. We have told each other "good job," and "it's cute" and so on. And we are sincere about it. For the most part, we just have fun "competing" over things. I still say I make the best soup and I am the best cook. Although, Lyle is a close second. ;) I love him so much and I am so glad he is my best friend and we can enjoy each other so much, even if we are just carving pumpkins.

Lyle's Home!!!!!

So this last week Lyle went to Dallas, Texas with the school on a Career Expedition. They go to major cities and meet with major companies in hopes of getting good contacts for internships and future careers. Lyle wanted to go to Dallas because JCPenny's corporate offices are close to Dallas. He was able to go and meet with the recruiters down there and hopefully he will be able to secure an internship with them. While this was all fine and dandy, I missed him really badly while he was gone. Lyle and I haven't been apart since we started dating nearly 2 years ago. We have seen each other every single day (even if it is only for 10 minutes). This last week was the first time we had ever gone without seeing each other. I always thought I was really tough and that something like my husband being gone for a day or two wouldn't be that bad, however, it was much tougher than I thought. I have a new found appreciation for those wives who have to live for a year or more at a time without while their spouses are deployed.

Anyways, he is home now, and I am so glad. Having him gone made me realize more how much I rely on him everyday. Without Lyle I would probably go crazy. He frequently calms me down when I am stressed out and he can make me laugh even when I feel like crying. We know each other so well that we can complete each other's sentences. We don't normally cause other people think its weird. But it is nice to have someone who understands me so well. I don't know how I got lucky enough to find someone who is so perfect for me. I think we are so well matched for each other its almost unfair. I know so many other couples that have completely different personalities and argue with each other all the time. We argue, but never that seriously. By the time we go to bed at night we usually figure things out and go to bed happy with each other. After all, we are "playing for the same team" and shouldn't be working against each other.

Again, I feel like I ramble a lot. :) So, the main point of this is to just say that I am so happy that my wonderful husband is home.

First Year of Marriage

Lyle and I officially hit our 1 year mark about a week ago. I have heard many, many people say that the first year of marriage is the hardest. If that is true (which I am doubting), then our lives will be smooth sailing for the rest of eternity. :)
 We have had bumps, arguments, unpleasantness, and so on. However, I would hardly say that it has been hard. Lyle may tell you otherwise, I am a pretty difficult person to live with sometimes. So far, the hardest thing about our first year of marriage has been finding time for each other. We both work full time (or mostly full time) and go to school. Right now I am on going to school and I am working two jobs (actually 2.5, but who's counting). Lyle is currently working full time. In winter we will both be trying to work full time hours and go to school. We did this successfully last winter, however, this time we will be doing our university's IBC (integrated business core) program. From what we hear, it is impossible to take these classes and work even part time. I guess the benefit of our busy lives, is that we still miss each other. "Absences makes the heart grow fonder", so they say, and if that is the case, my heart couldn't possibly be more fond of Lyle.
 Anyways, I digress from the real purpose of this post. What I really want to say is that I have had the best year of my life so far. I have the best husband in the whole world. Lots of people say that, but I really have the best one. Lyle is the sweetest, most thoughtful, kind hearted, and I could go on for hours, man I have ever met. He brings out the best in me. There is no one in the world who is better at calming me down (which I have needed a lot lately).
 I feel I am the luckiest girl in the world. I have a husband who is perfectly suited to me. We know each other so well already that we can complete each other's thoughts. I know when he needs me, and he knows when I need him. There are very few times when we don't see eye to eye. We laugh together and we cry together. We understand that as a couple we are working together as a team, not as individuals, and never against each other. Occasionally our arguments get out of hand, we are human and very stubborn. But, we always resolve our issues and end up loving each other even more than before.
 I love Lyle so much. He is basically my sanity and the reason I continue on with school and trying to improve myself. I know that he will be a fantastic dad and I already know he is an amazing husband. I know the years to come will bring hardships and trials, but I also know that Lyle and I have absolutely dedicated ourselves to God and our family. I'm not leaving him and he isn't leaving me. We are going to struggle through life as a team and continue to grow together along the way. I am so excited to spend 2, 10, 25, 50, etc. years with my wonderful husband.

Love and Death

Today I spent my afternoon cleaning an apartment. The girl I was helping just lost her husband. She is around my age and has been married to him for 3 short years. He passed away in his sleep and he was on a job that took him away from home for a few months. His wife hasn't seen him in person for a while. She was telling me her story and it was all I could do to not break down and cry for her. She told me "I feel like I spent my whole life trying to find him and he is already gone just 3 years later."  She described to me the surreal feeling that surrounds her and how she still feels like he should be coming home in a month from his job. She described to me the way that they worked as a team and the loving relationship they had. I can only imagine the intense heartache she is feeling.

While I was cleaning I kept thinking about what my life would be like if Lyle wasn't here and I never want to know what it really feels like, especially so soon. I have so much that I am planning on doing with Lyle. I want to be a parent with him, see him become a successful business man, see Scottland and other countries, go on walks and watch the sunset, etc. Luckily for me, my husband will come home tonight and I can wrap my arms around him and tell him to his face how much I love him. I can take time everyday to make sure he knows that I love him and that he makes me the happiest person in the world.

Sometimes life isn't fair. It wasn't really designed to be fair. But one of the most important lessons that we can learn in this life is to love. Love, like our spirits, goes on after death. While I feel bad for my friend, she knows this. She is at peace because she knows she will be with her husband again and it is God's will. She has her love for her husband and God to keep her going. We were talking about how people remember the first this or the first that and how she is now realizing their lasts. We cleaned the last apartment they lived in together today. This past Christmas was their last together and so on. Soon she will be experiencing new firsts. The first anniversary without him, etc. Life will not be easy and I don't envy her at all. I do wish her luck with her future and thank her for the reminder to show my husband how much I love him everyday.

Sometimes life is so bitter and yet so sweet.

So I was just thinking today about all that I have been through for the last few years. I started school up here at BYU-I back in 2006 and I will still be here for a while. But along the way I have made some wonderful friends and even married one. :) But this last semester one of my really good friends graduated and is leaving. I admit that I have not been the best friend for the last couple of years, but, if it weren't for her, my first year of school would have been so hard. Yes Amelia Worthington, I mean you. The end of this semester is harder than the others have been, not because I love any particular friend or past roommate less, I have just loved her longer.

Amy was one of my first roommates and we bonded really quickly. We once had a conversation about how we felt really alone on campus because we didn't know that many people. We worried that we would never get to the point where we would know 3 or 4 people on campus. Well, we both got there and I attribute it to our friendship. We have grown in many ways through our school years and I am sad to think that it has ended. I know it ended a while ago, getting married does that to you. I haven't been a good friend since then. It's much easier to pretend like it won't end, but when graduation hits, so does the realization that people move on. And more than when some people move on, having Amy move on makes it feel like the end of an Era... Anyways, before I ramble more I just wanted to reminisce on some of the good times we have had. :)

Well, dear Amy, I love you more than a zillion gallons of milk. I know that we aren't saying goodbye permanently, and I hope we will be good friends forever. :) I am so proud of all that you have accomplished and I am so glad that I have known you. Thanks for being a great friend over the years over the last few years!

9 months of marriage.... and NO we are not expecting soon.... :)

 Isn't it curious how everytime someone mentions something that has been or will be 9 months long the first thing that comes to everyone's mind is BABY?! I have tried a little social experiment lately when people ask me how long I've been married. This Saturday we will have been married for 9 months. So when people have asked the question, "how long have you been married?" I have given 1 of 3 answers: 1) "Almost a year." 2) "8 months." 3) "about 9 months." Usually when I say the first two casual conversation commenses with phrases like "how are you enjoying it?" or "so your still newlyweds," etc. But everytime I have said "We have been married for about 9 months," I get the, "are you guys expecting a baby soon?" question. WHY?! Probably for a few reasons. In Mormon society I "should" be expecting by now. (I know of at least 3 couples that got married after we did and they are already expecting) The other reason is that 9 months has been pounded into adult minds as the length of human pregnancy.

 I have started to avoid saying 9 months because the response usually bothers me. Why, you ask? Well, babies have been a touchy topic in our home lately (depending on the day). I would love to have a baby, but right now isn't a good time for us. And sometimes my hormones take over and it gets really hard for me to hear Lyle say "not yet." If you are a girl then you probably know what it feels like to see a really cute baby and wake up the baby hungry monster inside of you that says, "I want a baby now!!!!" Some days it is really hard for me to even walk through the baby section of a store without wanting a baby so badly I could cry. (If you are female and haven't experienced this then you may want to make sure you have a heart. J/K. but I don't know how you haven't.) 

 Now, when the hormonal monster inside of me is sleeping, I can completely understand our waiting. We both only have about 4 semesters left, plus an internship. We should be done fairly quickly and with the classes that I have left to take, it would be impossible for me to have a baby, work, and go to school. (In the Winter I am supposed to do IBC) With both of us in school, we can't afford to have one of us not working and we most definitely couldn't afford a baby. I really want to finish my degree and I don't want to finish it later (especially since BYU-I is a pain to transfer from, get back into, etc). Also, life is so stressful and crazy right now that I would probably go crazy and not be a good mom. Yes, all of these reasons make perfect sense when I am my "normal" self.

 I still haven't completely answered why it bothers me to be asked the baby question. Well, first of all, when I say "no, we are not having a baby soon," I usually get the, "you must be very selfish people if you are waiting," look. My response to that, though usually just in my head, is: "did I ask you to ask me if I was pregnant? NO! I didn't ask you to judge me about it either." Secondly, the person who asks usually has no idea how badly I really want a baby (just typing that sentence makes my eyes water). I really do, like REALLY do. They have no idea the number of tears that have been cried over this situation. It breaks my heart to even say, "no we are not expecting for a while." And lastly, are they trying to imply that I am fat and I look pregnant? I know I have put on weight since I have gotten married, but really?

 I don't mean to rant, but I kind of do. And I know that most people don't mean to be rude or bring up negative feelings. Most people do care and are interested in our lives. This is just a major topic that comes up in our home at least once everyday. It's not like we are just ignoring the situation and being selfish. We are putting a lot of thougt and prayers into it. So I guess the underlying reason it bothers me is because we do want a baby, we just can't have one right now. But I am going to try really hard to not let that question bother me anymore. We are planning on having a baby in about 2 years. So the next time someone asks, "are you guys expecting a baby soon?" I will go ahead and say, "Yes, in about 24 months."

summer is here... FINALLY!

So today is one of the first days this "summer" where we are actually supposed to get to 80 degrees. I am so excited!!!!!! On average, I am not fond of the heat. I don't like days that get to 100 and I can barely handle 95. But I mean REALLY Idaho? Yay, we are not experiencing drought conditions this year. Couldn't we have had the rain with warm temperatures? Is that so much to ask?! It is finally warm enough to not take a jacket everywhere and it is almost July. This summer had better be a long one. We already had the winter that wouldn't end and the eternal early spring. I would like to put in a request that it doesn't get cold until late October or early November.

Anyways, life has been moving right along and it has been crazy. Lyle and I are both working full time and he is also doing school. This basically means that we only see each other for 3 hours a day (at the most) and quite a bit of that is filled with homework. I am so excited for the day that we are done with school and can at least see each other more often. I'm not pretending that it will be easier when school is done, and who knows what future careers will bring, and future children. But from where I am sitting right now it looks good. More than anything, I am excited for the day we are empty nesters and are retired and we can focus on just each other.

Also, in my list of random things to write about that have no order, my little sister got engaged last month. Her name is Kimberly and her fiance is Caleb Gunderson.They are getting married in the Idaho Falls temple on Aug. 24th and their reception will be on Aug. 28th.  They have dated off and on over the last year. We are unsure if they are really sure about this wedding thing. She worries me with her over exaggerations of how busy, unhappy, scared, etc. she is right now. When I was engaged I was stressed, but so happy. I hope they are making a good choice. It would make me so sad to see her unhappy in marriage. Married life is hard, but it has been the happiest time in my life. We make the most of every up and work really hard to get through the downs. Despite what the majority of people in the world say or think, marriage is instituted by God and is supposed to bring us joy, not misery. I worry that she focuses too much on the negative things of life and not enough on the joy that life should bring.

Anyways, those are my random thoughts for now. I'm sure there will be more later.

SHMILY

Yesterday I was able to go to Sunday School with Lyle for the first time in a while. Since I have been in the Nursery I haven't had a chance to go, and I miss it sometimes. Anyways, we were learning about things that can be done to continue strengthening your relationship after you get married. Our Stake President  told us of something that he and his wife do. They give each other "Shmily's"(pronounced SH-miley) through the day. Shmily stands for: "See How Much I Love You." He talked about how they can be little things like leaving a love note somewhere and other things. I absolutely love this idea. I am going to make a goal to give Lyle SHMILY's every day. Hopefully I am already giving him Shmily's often. I am so lucky to have him for my husband because he is a sweet, wonderful, amazing, etc. man. He is so good to me and I want him to know that I love him and appreciate him.

We all know we are going to die....

So, this semester finally finished last Friday. Lyle had one week off (this last one) so we went to visit his family. While we were there we ended up visiting the dentist a lot. He had some work that needed to be done so I was there waiting for him a couple of times. I brought a book to read with me. It's called, "Tuesdays with Morrie" by Mitch Albom. There is a movie about it, and I have seen it. I cried. I thought it was fantastic so I read the book. I cried again. It is a marvelous and inspiring story. There was one thing that Morrie said, however, that has stuck with me. It is, "Everybody knows they're going to die, but no one believes it. If we did, we'd do things differently." (In case you didn't know, this is a story about a man who is slowly dying from ALS) His point being, if I knew that I could die tomorrow, wouldn't I do things differently today? I have been thinking about that a lot. Have I truly accepted death? Can I truly accept death? I don't mean that I want to accept that I will die and then do nothing with my life. I want to accept that one day I will die. That day could be today, it could be 70 years from now. I have done things in my life that I am not proud of, and I am sure that I will still make more mistakes. But how many of those things could be avoided if I thought about the fact that today could be my last?
In the book Morrie also talks about some Buddhists and how they go around with "a bird on their shoulder" and they as the bird often, "Is today the day little bird? Is today the day I die?" This isn't something that should be morbid at all. I'm not saying we should all think about death all the time and become all "gloom and doom" because we're going to die so life doesn't matter. On the contrary I am saying that we should make sure we do things right the first time. If today were my last, would it really matter that I got a B instead of an A on my test? Or would it be more important that I spent time making sure my husband knows I really love him? If we made all of our small decisions and most of our large (I say most of our large because you still need to go to work, earn a living, be healthy, etc) would we be better people? I think so.

My new goal is to make sure that I ask the little bird on my shoulder that question everyday. "Is today the day I die?" We aren't all as "lucky" as Morrie. He got ample time to tell people goodbye. I want to make sure that if I die today I'm ready. I also want my family to know that I love them.

Never ending semester

Well, it is 1:00 on Friday, the last day of the winter 2010 semester, and I am still waiting to take a final! UGH!!!!!! All of my other classes were done and passed with A's by Tuesday and I bet you can't guess which class I still have to take a final in.... International Economics. The class from the devil. I just want to do well enough in it that I never have to take it again. I am so anxious to get it over with. I should be studying more for it, but I am just about ready to die. Time is ticking by and I am sick to my stomach. I am so jealous of all the people who are already done. We are leaving to go to South Dakota tomorrow and it can't come soon enough. For the time that we will be there it is supposed to be 70 degrees, a much needed break from Idaho. Anyways, my final is at 2 and I am going to go ahead and study now.

Motivation

I have been struggling with motivation lately. It's the end of winter (I use the term "end" loosely because I know that I am in Rexburg and the cold and the snow will not go away until May.) and I am restless. I want to go outside and have fun. I want to drop school and do things that are enjoyable. I want to go on a vacation to a warm place where there are no cares or worries. Are any of those things going to happen? Of course not, but that doesn't mean my desire for them to happen goes away. I looked up the word Motivate and as we all know it means to stimulate towards action, or provide an incentive for action. I know that one of the biggest motivators in life is fun. Go to www.thefuntheory.com and you will see what I mean. When something turns from work and labor into fun and adventure, people, self included, are more likely to participate willingly.

So I am sitting here trying to find an incentive or stimulus to make me continue with my classes. I do alright with most of my classes, most are fun. But there's one class, International Economics, and every time I think about it my heart sinks and my eyes glaze over. It's as if I am standing in a bright room and then the power goes out, leaving me in the dark. I don't know how I will make it through that class even with only 31 days left. That seems like so little and soooooo much all at the same time. I think my motivation will be making up bingo cards for myself. I think I will go through my economics book and look up words that should be used in that class. Then, I will reward myself for every bingo I get. Yes, the more I think about it, the better it sounds. I may even make a few cards for my classmates and maybe their fun level will be increased too.... yep, I think it's going to happen. :)

New year, new day, new life

Last semester seemed like it was a whirl for me. It wasn't necessarily fast, but it was definitely a blur. So many things happened. Wedding, honeymoon, class, Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc. I am so excited that the new year is here and we are able to start it together married. New Years always brings about thoughts of starting over and resolutions. I haven't made resolutions for years, I don't ever follow through with them. However, since I am starting this year with a fairly new family I have a few things that I definitely want to achieve.
Firstly, I want to learn how to be a good wife. If you ask Lyle he will probably tell you that I am good to him, and I really try to be. BUT, I feel like there are things that I do, or rather don't do, that I need to be better about. I am still working on keeping the apartment clean. It's hard to clean up after myself and Lyle, and do homework, and go to 2 jobs.

Which brings me to my second goal, which is balancing my life. I need to be much better about prioritizing and focusing on important things. I need to work on maintaining my spiritual self. It is so easy to get distracted by my hectic life that I know it is something I need to take care of this year.

Last, but not really last, I want to make sure that Lyle and I continue to have a wonderful relationship. I have heard that the first year is the hardest, and that the first 5-7 years can make or break a relationship. We aren't even close to being out of the first year yet, and I know we have already had a few rough patches. The wonderful thing has been that we are very open and able to talk about things well. I am generally the one who has the hardest time talking out any disagreements. I am so lucky that I have a wonderful husband who is so willing to be patient and work things out with me.

Anyways, before I write an entire novel. I think it is good to reflect back on life and continually find things to improve upon, especially as we enter into knew stages of our lives. So at the beginning of this new stage, all I have to say to this new year is "bring it on." :)