So, I do love my life. However, lately I find myself very discontented and restless with life. It has nothing to do with Lyle. I love him so much. I am basically sick of Rexburg and school. I have been in school for much longer than I had planned on and the light at the end of the tunnel is really more of a speck. I have 3 semesters of classes left, however, somewhere I am going to have to fit in another internship (Why I have to do 2, I have no idea). And Lyle will be in school for another 4/5 semesters and we will basically be here for 2 more years. I just want to get my degree and get out. I am so ready to move on to the next chapter of my life. I have so many friends who have moved on (most are graduated, like I would be if I hadn't changed my major after 2 years) and many are married and having their first/second children. I WANT TO BE AT THAT STAGE OF MY LIFE ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! UGH! I guess God is teaching me a really long lesson in patience.
I am tired of having classes every morning at 7:45. I am tired of working every single day till about 8 at night. I am tired of only seeing Lyle for 2 hours, or less, every day (of course that isn't counting sleep, but sleep doesn't really count as quality time). I am tired of spending some days (usually Saturday) completely by myself until about 8 or 9 at night. I am tired of being too tired to do the dishes. And I am definitely tired of meeting other people's deadlines (basically homework). I basically have the worst case of senioritis known to mankind, and it wont go away for 2 more years.
I want to be a mom. You can judge me for saying that, I don't care what you think, really. I want to be a mom. I have so many friends who are experiencing their first children and I know the joy that they can bring. And in the mean time I'm in my ward nursery and other babysitting things where I spend time with other people's children. I love kids, and the one's I watch are special to me. But they aren't mine. I'm ready to be frustrated with getting up at night to feed my baby. I'm ready to be tired of changing diapers. I would much rather deal with the "hassels" of raising a child than the pains of school and work. I have decided that I really am not built for the work force side of life. I know I am capable of it and if my life's ambition was to become a CEO of a major company I could do it. But, it doesn't make me happy to go to work everyday. I would be much happier raising a family (yeah, I know raising a family is tough).
I was talking to a really nice lady the other day and we were talking about families. She asked the good ol' question "do you have any kids?" No. "How long have you been married?" 1 year. But instead of the normal "oh," we had a nice conversation about how she thinks she could have waited a little longer to start having kids and how she can understand why we are waiting a little bit. But she did ask me if it is hard on me to wait (finally! someone understands me!). Yes it is hard. I have to watch my friends experience things that I want to be experience. You might as well be dangling some amazing chocolate in front of my face and just out of reach (ok, that magnified by 1000). It will probably be my luck that my little sister will end up getting pregnant before me too, she's going to graduate first.
Anyways, I feel as though I am starting to get bitter, and I don't like to end posts on a completely negative feeling note. I guess it's time for me to try to look on the positive side. I have a great husband and right now, with all that is going on in our lives, we are ok. Sometimes the most you can ask for is to be "ok." I am doing pretty well in my classes, and one day I will be done with school. I just wish that day was sooner. Yeah, yeah, old adage: if you have to work/wait for it you will appreciate it more...........I am going to appreciate it more than anyone will be able to comprehend.
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